Your Ghost
by kmgproductionz
Summary: Erin Lindsay remembers her childhood love; James 'Jem; Coughlin. ONE-SHOT (Complete)


**AN:** Before you all read I want you to know that I was very nervous about posting this one-shot. I wasn't sure of it. But Blair (champagnelaughs) convinced me to post it. Hopefully you'll like it as much as she did. I'd also like to say thank you to her for helping me out with some of it! You should go check out her stories, they're AMAZING!

Anyways, I hope you all like this story. Read & Review please!

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><p>"She's just a kid," Erin hears herself say, looking down at the picture of her childhood best friend. <em>Krista Coughlin. <em>Agent Frawley had shown her the pictures from Krista's car accident. She sighed. Erin knew her growing up. Krista and her brother would visit every summer. They'd stay in Chicago for a few weeks and then fly back to Boston. It had been Erin's favorite time of year. Because she knew she'd see her friends.

At a young age, she longed for the summer, knowing she'd see Krista and Jem. Every moment that she felt all alone, she knew that out there; Krista and Jem might be thinking of her too, feeling the same loneliness she felt. Jem and Krista visited their Grandmother every summer in Chicago until she died when Erin was just fifteen.

She still remembered the day the ambulance came to take Maggie Coughlin away, the day the house next to hers went up for sale.

There was no way of getting a hold of Krista or Jem, no way of reaching out. Erin felt alone at the prospect of never seeing her best friend again. Of never seeing…_Jem _again. Her heart had ached just thinking about him. She was younger than him by a few years. He was older, dangerous – got in a lot of fights while he was in Chicago. But Erin was always there to stitch him up. Just like he had been there for her when she got in a couple of fights with girls on the street as well while he was in town.

"_You gotta thing for my brother?" Krista would ask. Erin would shake her head, laugh it off. _

"_Jem? Hell no!" _

"_M-hm." Krista would smirk. _

She was thirteen the first time Jem had kissed her. It wasn't her first kiss, she had kissed guys before. But in the back of her head she had always wished that he had been her first kiss. Because unlike the guy she shared her first kiss with, and unlike any of the other guys she kissed after; Jem actually cared for Erin.

He had been fifteen when he kissed her. Erin thought he would never be interested in a scrawny girl like her. She wasn't much to look at. Dark circles under her eyes from the lack of sleep, chapped lips from the lack of water and a hallow stomach from the lack of food.

But he had kissed her, grabbed her hand, and brought her inside of his grandmother's house so she could have a meal. And in that moment she loved him.

The next year Krista and Jem came to Chicago, Erin had just turned fourteen. She hung out with the wrong crowd, got mixed up in the drug world. She thought that Jem would turn away from her the moment he laid eyes on her. Call her a stupid junkie.

But he didn't.

Because he was just like her.

Krista got hooked on Oxy while she was in Chicago thanks to Erin's friend Annie's boyfriend Charlie. Jem was already an addict.

But he never looked at her differently.

They spent the summer getting high, shop lifting food for Erin, selling drugs for Charlie and having sex.

Erin knew she was young, only fourteen. But she had truly believed that James Coughlin was the man she was destined to be with her.

They were two sides of the same coin.

"_You're gonna' runaway to Boston with me?" Jem asked, his arms wrapped around Erin's waist, his face hiding in her neck as he nibbled at a tender spot._

_Erin would giggle, trying to wiggle out of his hold. But he never let go. _

"_Promise me this is forever." Jem whispered in her ear one night as they were falling asleep. She would roll over on her side, look him in the eye, and kiss him goodnight. A silent promise between the two._

Krista wanted Erin to runaway to Boston too. _"We're sisters," _Krista would tell Erin. _"And family sticks together." _

"-Detective Lindsay," FBI Agent Adam Frawley broke her away from her thoughts of Jem and Krista. "When's the last time you had contact with Ms. Coughlin?" He asked.

Erin cleared her throat, looking at the reflection of herself in the two way mirror that she knew Voight was standing on the other side of watching her. He didn't know that Erin had tried to get back in contact with Krista. But she wasn't going to lie to the FBI. "A little over a year and a half ago."

It was part of Voights deal that Erin cut ties to her old life if he were to take her in. Including Jem and Krista. Erin had told Voight all about them, and even though she hadn't been in contact with them – Voight still made it part of the deal.

Krista had found Erin online, pleading with her to come to Boston to visit her. That she was trying to get clean and needed Erin's help. Krista told Erin that she was pregnant and wanted her baby to have a good life. A better life.

But that didn't last long.

Erin had given Krista a number to a good rehab facility in Boston. But Krista was getting high on anything she could get her hands on. Erin had flown to Boston when she heard Shyne, Krista's daughter, was born.

"_I can't stay here and watch you screw up your life – your daughter's life." Erin had told Krista._

"_Fuck you!" Krista spat out at her. "You think you're betta' than us. Some fancy cop. Ain't nobody ever gave a shit about you besides me!" She said in anger. "Only reason Jem gave a flyin' fuck about you was cos' you gave him a good hummer." She would laugh._

_Erin shook her head, grabbing her coat off the couch and looked to Krista. "Who's Shynes father?" She asked._

"_None'your'fuckin'business."_

"_I'm telling you right now, Krista. As the 'fancy cop' – I will call child services and tell them to take Shyne away from you." _

_That had scared Krista enough to help her get clean for about a month. After that, Erin hadn't heard from Krista. _

"And James Coughlin?" The FBI Agent asked her.

She sighed, running her fingers through her hair. "He came to Chicago a few months ago."

Voight came in to the room, Erin averted his gaze when the door opened. "I need to speak with my detective."

"Yeah, well I'm talking to her." Agent Frawley said, giving Voight a look.

"I see that." Voight replied. "But I'm still going to talk to my detective."

Agent Frawley looked to Erin, perhaps he was expecting her to tell Voight to leave the room. But she stayed quiet. He huffed, pushing against the table as he got out of his chair. "I'll let you two have a moment alone."

"-Halstead, take him in to my office." Voight said, looking to Jay who was standing in the hall. Halstead nodded his head, showing Agent Frawley out of the room.

Voight looked to Erin, who still wouldn't meet his eyes. She looked to her hands, something she had done when he first took her in and she had gotten in trouble. "James Coughlin was in town and you didn't tell me?"

Erin looked up at Voight. Guilt clouding her eyes.

"For how long?"

Erin took in a breath. "About a week."

_Erin had been dead asleep. The sound of Chicago's busy streets had lulled her to sleep after a hard day at work. It wasn't easy being part of the Intelligence Unit. There were more cases piling up every day. _

_Erin groaned, hearing the banging on her door. She got out of bed, half asleep, and walked to her front door. She opened it, not knowing what to expect – but ready to yell at whoever had been banging on her door._

"_Wow," Erin's eyes focused on the man standing before her. Her breath caught in her throat. "Erin, you look…amazing."_

"_Jem?" She whispered, unsure if she was really awake. _

"_It's been a while, hu?" Jem looked her up and down. _

"_Yeah," she managed to get out. "What- what are you doing here, Jem?" _

"_I was in the city. Asked around the old stomping grounds about you. You're a cop now!" He laughed, still not quite believing it. He watched as Erin gave him a look. He nodded his head, seeing she wasn't wanting to talk about it. "I figured I'd stop by and see ya." _

"_I figured with what happened between me and Krista that you'd-"_

"_Yeah, she bitched about you." Jem spoke honestly. Erin knew that Krista would. "The only thing that got to me was that you were in Boston and didn't look me up." He smirked. "We could'a had a good time." _

_Erin frowned. "Jem, I'm clean now."_

_He had moved forward and kissed her. And before Erin knew it, she was letting him inside her apartment, opening the door to her room, falling in to bed with her childhood love. And then it was nothing but heated kisses and her nails digging in to Jems back, drawing blood with each thrust. She hadn't felt this alive since she was a teen. _

"He stayed with you?" Voight asked Erin. She nodded her head. "Did you use while he was with you?"

"No, Voight. I swear. I didn't use." Erin assured Hank. "He was only here for a week. I found Oxy in his coat one night and kicked him out." That had been a hard night for Erin.

Hank nodded his head, believing her.

"I can tell this FBI Agent to leave." Voight told Erin, not wanting her to get mixed up in the Coughlin's drama. "You say the word and I'll tell him to leave."

"It's fine, Hank. I can handle this." She spoke with confidence. Hank nodded before walking out of the room and getting Agent Frawley and bringing him back to the room Erin sat in.

He sat down, waiting for Erin to speak.

"I know Krista got herself in to some messed up shit," She told Frawley. "But she doesn't need to go to jail – take her kid away from her, that'll wake her up." Erin tried to reason with the FBI Agent. After all these years she still felt responsible for Krista.

"I'm not here about Ms. Coughlin, Detective Lindsay." Frawley told her. Erin didn't understand. "What was the nature of James Coughlin's visit to Chicago?"

"I don't know." Erin spoke honestly. All he ever told her was that he came because he missed her. "Ask Jem."

Suddenly Agent Frawley chuckled. "You haven't heard?"

"Heard what?" Erin said, angry now at the FBI Agents behavior.

Agent Frawley leaned across the table. "James Coughlin is dead."

The color from Erin's face drained.

_No. _

No, no. He wasn't dead. She would have heard about it – he wasn't dead.

Voight walked in to the room again. "Alright, this little chat is over." He told Agent Frawley, gesturing at him to leave.

"Happened about a week ago." Frawley went on. "Shoot out with Boston PD."

"I said this talk was over." Voight walked up to Frawley, getting in his face. "Get out."

Erin could hear Voight saying her name as Frawley left, but she was in a trance.

_Jem. _

Dead.

"Lindsay."

Her eyes snapped from her hands to Voights eyes. "Give me a few." Erin was only able to say as she quickly stood up and walked out, leaving Voight standing there with that look in his eyes.

He knew she was hiding something.

Once locking the women's bathroom door behind her, Erin went straight to the sink. Her head was spinning. She felt weak.

He was dead.

Gone.

That trip to Chicago... Was that him saying good bye?

Did he know that he was a dead man walking?

It's easy to make a deal with the devil when you're not the one paying the price.

She bit her lip hard to try to get her emotions under control, but it was a battle she couldn't win.

His smile.

His voice.

The taste of his lips.

Gone.

Forever.

"_I've loved you since I was fifteen fucking years old, Erin. And no girl I've been with after you has compared. That's gotta mean something, right?" _

The ghost of his voice echoed in her ears.

She had been so furious when she found the Oxy in his jacket pocket. _I'm a cop now, Jem! _She reminded him. _I can't have this shit at my place!_

He had come at her, kissing her roughly. It had worked when they were younger. Jem would say something stupid, Erin would get pissed and then he'd kiss her and everything would be ok and they'd blow off all the steam with sex. But Erin had pushed him off of her, telling him to leave.

_You're an idiot – no, __**I'm **__the idiot for letting you back in to my life. You need to leave now, Jem. I'm not going to be a part of whatever you have going on with you. Whatever you're running from. _Erin told him. _Get out! Get the hell out! _

Erin closed her eyes, trying not to think of the last words she said to him.

_I love you, Erin. _

_We're not kids anymore, Jem. _

She wanted to tell him that she loved him too. But she couldn't put herself back in that life again. She had worked so hard to get clean, to become the woman she was today. Erin couldn't just throw all of that in the trash just because Jem came back in to her life thirteen years later professing that he still loved her.

There was a knock on the bathroom. "Erin," Voights raspy voice said through the door.

Erin looked at herself in the mirror, willing herself not to cry. She took in a deep breath before she walked towards the bathroom door. She opened it, moving out in to the hall. "I'm fine." She tried to assure Voight. "I'll be fine."

"You don't have to finish the interview," Voight told Erin. "Go home. Get some sleep."

But Erin shook her head, telling Voight she'd finish the interview with Agent Frawley. It was the hardest thirty minutes of Erin's life. Even harder than it had been to tell Jem to leave Chicago and never come back. _I don't want the life you're offering me, _she had told Jem. That's when he grabbed his things, angry at her words, and left without giving her a second glance.

She hated herself right now.

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><p>She had flown to Boston a week later. Olinsky came with her (Voight didn't want her to go alone and he couldn't go to Boston with her so he sent Alvin instead.) trying his best to make this easy for Erin. But of course it wouldn't be easy for her. She was going to her first loves funeral.<p>

Erin stood in the back with Alvin, not wanting to intrude. "You gonna be ok, kid?" He asked Erin.

She nodded. Erin had already done all her crying.

Alvin gave her hand a squeeze as the funeral began.

"I know he wasn't a good man." Erin said softly to Alvin. He looked to his side at her. "But I did love him…I guess it's true what they say."

"What do they say?" Alvin asked her.

"You'll always love your first love."

She remained quiet for the rest of the funeral.

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><p>She was on the flight back to Chicago, Alvin asleep in the seat next to her. Krista had come up to Erin after the funeral, thanking her for coming. <em>How are you holding up? <em>Erin asked Krista.

_I feel like…someone's ripped off a limb or somethin', _Krista tried to put in to words how she was feeling. _You know Jem has always been there for me. _

_I know, _Erin tried to keep strong. _I'm so sorry, Kris. _

They spoke for a while. About Shyne, recalling old stories about them as children…about Jem. Erin's heart ached when Krista talked about how much Jem had loved her. How he wanted to go to Chicago after their grandmother had died. How he wanted to come get Erin.

_He loved you so much, Erin. _Krista would tell her.

"-Jem," Olinsky spoke up causing Erin to look over at him. "Who names their kid _Jem_?" He asked. He had seen the tears in her eyes seconds ago.

Erin smiled softly at Alvin's attempt to cheer her up. "It was a nickname that kinda stuck." She told him. "His teachers would say; _here, take this one. He's a gem." _He had always loved telling that story. "But his name was James. _Jim, _Jem. A real gem."

Alvin squeezed her hand.

If Erin could take back the horrible things she said to Jem, if she had one last chance to tell him she loved him – she'd do it in a heartbeat. But she also knew that the life he lived? It wasn't for her anymore. But that didn't mean she didn't love him.

Jem died thinking Erin didn't love him.

And Erin would never forgive herself for that.


End file.
